Why can’t we pick our own colors?
Little warning: I may spoil, and I definitely will swear. Because fuck.
I think I can sum up the experience with a WHAT THE FUCK. FUCK YOU.
I mean, holy fucking shit. I should never have picked it up again. I started watching it around a year ago when my obsession with Michael Myers was at its highest. I’m not a big Rob Zombie fan, but I was kind of excited to get his take on the story and see what he’d add do with the visuals. I felt like he might be able to add something interesting to it. Man, was I let down.
First of all, I do appreciate that he tried to add some Zombie to it. His work has a very specific style to it, and in theory that style would be a cool spin on Halloween. I wanted to like it, I did. But it was too gritty and dark, and the coolness of The Devil’s Rejects was nowhere to be found. It’s like he thought all he needed to do was turn out the lights, and that’d make it creepy. Ugh.
As much as I’m tired of the idea that dark and gritty = scary, it’s so common in horror that I’ll let him have that one. It’s not only your fault, Zombie.
My main issue with this movie is character, and that on the other hand is Zombie’s fault. I feel like everything is wrong when it comes to the characters, and that has nothing to do with the actors, despite their poor performances, because they had nothing to work with. Bad writing, that’s what it is. I’ll try to break it down so I don’t rant on senselessly forever.
1. A plead: please understand what kind of movie you’re writing. This is the story of a deranged killer, but somehow Haddonfield is full of assholes who all pretty much had it coming. What were you trying to do, Zombie? Are you really trying to have us sympathize with this guy? Is that a thing we’re doing now? Aren’t we supposed to be scared and not, you know, cheer him on as he gets rid of minor characters whom we don’t like anyway?
2. Samuel Loomis and his colleagues. I love Loomis, and I was really happy that they cast Malcolm McDowell. That’s one good thing about this movie that made me happy. Perfect casting decision… if they had given him some decent material to work with. Honestly, in this movie Loomis is possibly one of the worst therapists ever. What was he doing?! What was the staff doing in general? Just hanging around waiting to become Myers’ victims? Apparently so. Well, that and rape. Which, by the way, was completely unnecessary and just didn’t do anything good for the plot.
3. Laurie Strode. Laurie fucking Strode. In Carpenter’s film, Laurie is kind of annoying in the usual horror babysitter kind of way, but there’s still something about her that makes her likeable. Jamie Lee Curtis does a great job with the role, and I wanted her to live. I felt like she deserved it. But in this movie… what did they do to my girl?! I’m getting a bit tired of the notion that there are no teenage girls left who aren’t promiscuous and crude, because that’s just not true. Why was it necessary to include the bagel scene? Why did Laurie do that? Isn’t she supposed to be the good girl who babysits instead of banging some guy who looks like Skrillex? (that was hilarious, by the way). We literally have no reason to be on her side in this. She’s horrible in every way, and honestly I wished he’d just kill her so she’d disappear. Fuck you, Rob Zombie’s Laurie Strode.
4. The Myers family. I get that Zombie was going for more of a real serial killer vibe, and the whole white trash dysfunctional family fits that, but… okay this is a matter of preference, I suppose, and I’m just going to say that I hate the choice Zombie made. To me it just doesn’t work, and I’ll explain why in my final paragraph of hate for this movie, because one thing is left:
5. Michael Myers. Again, I realize that he was trying to make a Zombie Michael Myers, which is… well, honestly I hate the idea, and that probably did set him up to fail. To me, Myers is one of the scariest characters in movie history, and a big part of that is due to the mystery surrounding him in John Carpenter’s original film. Michael Myers is called The Shape for a reason, you know. He’s not human, he has no real motivation*, he is just pure evil. An unstoppable killing machine that can’t die himself. That’s terrifying. That’s way more terrifying than a generic serial killer from a broken home who’s just killing random, annoying people.
I just can’t with this movie. It’s not scary, it’s not well made, it’s not so bad that it’s funny… it’s just in that horrible in-between spot of awful films.
Oh, and one last thing… did you see all those fucking pumpkins? You think people would be in doubt of when the movie called HALLOWEEN was taking place? Were those necessary? Did they add anything? Just… really? Ah fuck it.
I’m glad I finally got that out. I’ll go watch something better now.
* Yes, I do realize that the whole Laurie thing was added later, but dude, fuck that. That sucked too.